I was in their shoes in the castle. So was Sanji, who kept on killing people I considered a friend. It would be hypocritical of me to condemn them, while accepting that Sanji and I were never really punished for what we did.
[of course, it's instinctively different because it's hikage, but they've had enough time to deliberate and act on something beyond instinct. and though people putting their loved ones first has a major point of contention for this crowd, belph—who would've killed sanji if he had been picked, who would let steph sacrifice herself even if he hated it, who admitted to sanji that if he had to pick three people to save, he didn't know that he would save steph—has tried to be better than that.]
... In any case, you picked the wrong person to befriend if you were hoping for hate. Sorry.
[there's a reason why belph has always said that it's steph you should worry about provoking, not him. he's maybe hated one person in his entire life and said person is also who he kind of loves most in the world, so. lifelong complicated relationship with anger.]
[ too bad they are talking about it because everyone says he needs to communicate with them better!!
his eyes lower as he listens, the wry smile on his face dissipating as quickly as it had appeared. He knows the reasoning, of course. It's perfectly logical - practical, even. In any other situation, Hikage would be agreeing with them. He's always a pragmatist.
Until it comes to his own feelings. Then it all goes out the window. Both of them have seen it in him, and he recognizes it in himself, too. ]
I know. [ a beat. ] That's why I said you were strong.
[ he lifts his gaze from the floor to Belph, then to Steph, before it falls to the ground again. ]
... I'm not strong like you. I want revenge. Even if what happened was logical - even if it doesn't make sense to want it... I can't stop. When I remembered, it was all I could think about. When they turned against me in that store, I wanted it, too. It felt good to be angry...
[ ... ]
... But I thought about you more than I did hurting them. If I got to see you again, I wanted you to welcome me back. I couldn't act on those desires as Hikage. [ he sighs through his nose, chewing his bottom lip. ] ... If I hated them, you might change your mind about me. But if you hated them, that meant you wouldn't ever forget me. ... I was lonely.
You can hate them. I don't think even they expect you to not.
[ would steph have been upset if hikage tried to do revenge that was more than hitting them, like murder? yes. they already finished the competition, so any death beyond this point isn't something she can forgive, honestly, no matter who did it.
but no one will stop him from showing his anger in other ways. ]
... we wouldn't forget you regardless, Hikage. You're our friend.
[ he is trying! he looks up at them again, looking somewhat ashamed, and quite vulnerable - because he is. He never talks to anyone like this about himself if he can help it. No one but these two. It's still hard to for him to do so - it's hard for him to face all these disparate pieces, some more vile than others, and acknowledge them all as parts of himself at once - but it's easier if they're with him. ]
... You really deserve better. [ a self-deprecating smirk finds its way onto his face. ] I'll try. As long as you try to keep that promise.
[ he wants to live in their minds, if nowhere else. being remembered is enough. ]
Yup. I mostly work at night, at least. Sometimes during the day because some bad guys don't stick to the schedule. [ but most crime in gotham happens when it gets dark. ] But it means I can show you around during the day.
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It's not selfish, exactly. But...
[how to put this.]
I was in their shoes in the castle. So was Sanji, who kept on killing people I considered a friend. It would be hypocritical of me to condemn them, while accepting that Sanji and I were never really punished for what we did.
[of course, it's instinctively different because it's hikage, but they've had enough time to deliberate and act on something beyond instinct. and though people putting their loved ones first has a major point of contention for this crowd, belph—who would've killed sanji if he had been picked, who would let steph sacrifice herself even if he hated it, who admitted to sanji that if he had to pick three people to save, he didn't know that he would save steph—has tried to be better than that.]
... In any case, you picked the wrong person to befriend if you were hoping for hate. Sorry.
[there's a reason why belph has always said that it's steph you should worry about provoking, not him. he's maybe hated one person in his entire life and said person is also who he kind of loves most in the world, so. lifelong complicated relationship with anger.]
no subject
his eyes lower as he listens, the wry smile on his face dissipating as quickly as it had appeared. He knows the reasoning, of course. It's perfectly logical - practical, even. In any other situation, Hikage would be agreeing with them. He's always a pragmatist.
Until it comes to his own feelings. Then it all goes out the window. Both of them have seen it in him, and he recognizes it in himself, too. ]
I know. [ a beat. ] That's why I said you were strong.
[ he lifts his gaze from the floor to Belph, then to Steph, before it falls to the ground again. ]
... I'm not strong like you. I want revenge. Even if what happened was logical - even if it doesn't make sense to want it... I can't stop. When I remembered, it was all I could think about. When they turned against me in that store, I wanted it, too. It felt good to be angry...
[ ... ]
... But I thought about you more than I did hurting them. If I got to see you again, I wanted you to welcome me back. I couldn't act on those desires as Hikage. [ he sighs through his nose, chewing his bottom lip. ] ... If I hated them, you might change your mind about me. But if you hated them, that meant you wouldn't ever forget me. ... I was lonely.
no subject
[ would steph have been upset if hikage tried to do revenge that was more than hitting them, like murder? yes. they already finished the competition, so any death beyond this point isn't something she can forgive, honestly, no matter who did it.
but no one will stop him from showing his anger in other ways. ]
... we wouldn't forget you regardless, Hikage. You're our friend.
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Have a little more faith in yourself, man.
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... You really deserve better. [ a self-deprecating smirk finds its way onto his face. ] I'll try. As long as you try to keep that promise.
[ he wants to live in their minds, if nowhere else. being remembered is enough. ]
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[ there's a pause. ]
And stop saying things about deserving better. I'm getting really tired of hearing that? You all need to stop being so self-deprecating.
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I'd like to think we're both decent at keeping our word.
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he looks somewhat awkward at that, scratching his neck, but shrugs. He just wants to be better at making her happy! And him, too. ]
Maybe when it comes to things other than staying out of trouble.
[ there's a dry tone to his voice that suggests he's kind of joking. but only kind of. ]
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Hikage, I have some really unfortunate news about my job back home.
[ he is never going to stop stressing over her i am so sorry she gets injured so much ]
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I know, already. You're going to kill me a third time when we... when we go home.
[ ... it feels weird to say. a little embarrassing, but nice. ]
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she glances between the two. ]
Yup. I mostly work at night, at least. Sometimes during the day because some bad guys don't stick to the schedule. [ but most crime in gotham happens when it gets dark. ] But it means I can show you around during the day.
[ sometimes... you just do not sleep. ]