It's not even that. All that death and suffering, and things ended this way...
[ he shakes his head. ]
... It wasn't worth it. You shouldn't have had to suffer the way you did. Either of you. [ a pause. ] ... I was careless. Before it happened, and afterwards.
Then you probably already know that it wasn't my power. When I woke up, I thought it was working, but the truth was that they'd already decided to kill me. I barely walked out of the cabin before they attacked. They trapped me in a cage and summoned some monster to tear me to pieces while inside it... I shot Beau, but it didn't take.
[ because she wasn't in the graveyard, he knows this. ]
... I'm telling you this so that you know it wasn't aggravated. It wasn't even me being reckless. [ a beat. ] ... I don't plan on forgiving them, either. I'm still angry. I want you to know that, too.
[ hikage, steph's metatext said she didn't want to talk about it. ]
... it's more complicated than that.
[ does steph forgive them for choosing hikage specifically? no. she's upset about it and she told them that.
but if it wasn't for them, the three of them would probably not be able to sit here together like this. how can steph celebrate their accomplishments while attacking the people who were fulfilling the kill requirement that was necessary for their survival?
so. it's complicated. she can be mad, while also understanding at the same time. the two don't have to be mutually exclusive. ]
I was in their shoes in the castle. So was Sanji, who kept on killing people I considered a friend. It would be hypocritical of me to condemn them, while accepting that Sanji and I were never really punished for what we did.
[of course, it's instinctively different because it's hikage, but they've had enough time to deliberate and act on something beyond instinct. and though people putting their loved ones first has a major point of contention for this crowd, belph—who would've killed sanji if he had been picked, who would let steph sacrifice herself even if he hated it, who admitted to sanji that if he had to pick three people to save, he didn't know that he would save steph—has tried to be better than that.]
... In any case, you picked the wrong person to befriend if you were hoping for hate. Sorry.
[there's a reason why belph has always said that it's steph you should worry about provoking, not him. he's maybe hated one person in his entire life and said person is also who he kind of loves most in the world, so. lifelong complicated relationship with anger.]
[ too bad they are talking about it because everyone says he needs to communicate with them better!!
his eyes lower as he listens, the wry smile on his face dissipating as quickly as it had appeared. He knows the reasoning, of course. It's perfectly logical - practical, even. In any other situation, Hikage would be agreeing with them. He's always a pragmatist.
Until it comes to his own feelings. Then it all goes out the window. Both of them have seen it in him, and he recognizes it in himself, too. ]
I know. [ a beat. ] That's why I said you were strong.
[ he lifts his gaze from the floor to Belph, then to Steph, before it falls to the ground again. ]
... I'm not strong like you. I want revenge. Even if what happened was logical - even if it doesn't make sense to want it... I can't stop. When I remembered, it was all I could think about. When they turned against me in that store, I wanted it, too. It felt good to be angry...
[ ... ]
... But I thought about you more than I did hurting them. If I got to see you again, I wanted you to welcome me back. I couldn't act on those desires as Hikage. [ he sighs through his nose, chewing his bottom lip. ] ... If I hated them, you might change your mind about me. But if you hated them, that meant you wouldn't ever forget me. ... I was lonely.
You can hate them. I don't think even they expect you to not.
[ would steph have been upset if hikage tried to do revenge that was more than hitting them, like murder? yes. they already finished the competition, so any death beyond this point isn't something she can forgive, honestly, no matter who did it.
but no one will stop him from showing his anger in other ways. ]
... we wouldn't forget you regardless, Hikage. You're our friend.
[ he is trying! he looks up at them again, looking somewhat ashamed, and quite vulnerable - because he is. He never talks to anyone like this about himself if he can help it. No one but these two. It's still hard to for him to do so - it's hard for him to face all these disparate pieces, some more vile than others, and acknowledge them all as parts of himself at once - but it's easier if they're with him. ]
... You really deserve better. [ a self-deprecating smirk finds its way onto his face. ] I'll try. As long as you try to keep that promise.
[ he wants to live in their minds, if nowhere else. being remembered is enough. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ he barks out a short laugh, then slumps down into a sitting position. ]
Something stupid like that...
[ he's so tired ]
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[ ah well. ]
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[ he shakes his head. ]
... It wasn't worth it. You shouldn't have had to suffer the way you did. Either of you. [ a pause. ] ... I was careless. Before it happened, and afterwards.
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[ did steph have a bad time? perhaps... but, she knows everyone else did, too. ]
It wasn't your fault, Hikage.
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... Did they explain what happened? [ a beat. ] I know that you kept talking to them... Both of them.
[ he sounds rather unhappy, but he presses anyway. ]
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[ well, they told her their reasoning, and about the eye, but she didn't ask for more graphic details other than that. ]
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I wouldn't call it an explanation, but Wei Wuxian came up to me a few times.
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Then you probably already know that it wasn't my power. When I woke up, I thought it was working, but the truth was that they'd already decided to kill me. I barely walked out of the cabin before they attacked. They trapped me in a cage and summoned some monster to tear me to pieces while inside it... I shot Beau, but it didn't take.
[ because she wasn't in the graveyard, he knows this. ]
... I'm telling you this so that you know it wasn't aggravated. It wasn't even me being reckless. [ a beat. ] ... I don't plan on forgiving them, either. I'm still angry. I want you to know that, too.
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[ steph has opinions on this but she isn't going to voice any of them. at least, not in front of these two. ]
And they never implied that you attacked or did anything first, so I know you weren't being reckless.
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Yeah. We kind of figured all that, at some point.
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...I see. [ a beat. ] You two really are strong.
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[ she sounds both tired and amused. ]
I wouldn't really call myself strong. Just stubborn.
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Well, you're definitely that.
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[ no escape, Belph. ]
... Is it selfish, that I wanted you to hate them for what happened to me?
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... it's more complicated than that.
[ does steph forgive them for choosing hikage specifically? no. she's upset about it and she told them that.
but if it wasn't for them, the three of them would probably not be able to sit here together like this. how can steph celebrate their accomplishments while attacking the people who were fulfilling the kill requirement that was necessary for their survival?
so. it's complicated. she can be mad, while also understanding at the same time. the two don't have to be mutually exclusive. ]
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It's not selfish, exactly. But...
[how to put this.]
I was in their shoes in the castle. So was Sanji, who kept on killing people I considered a friend. It would be hypocritical of me to condemn them, while accepting that Sanji and I were never really punished for what we did.
[of course, it's instinctively different because it's hikage, but they've had enough time to deliberate and act on something beyond instinct. and though people putting their loved ones first has a major point of contention for this crowd, belph—who would've killed sanji if he had been picked, who would let steph sacrifice herself even if he hated it, who admitted to sanji that if he had to pick three people to save, he didn't know that he would save steph—has tried to be better than that.]
... In any case, you picked the wrong person to befriend if you were hoping for hate. Sorry.
[there's a reason why belph has always said that it's steph you should worry about provoking, not him. he's maybe hated one person in his entire life and said person is also who he kind of loves most in the world, so. lifelong complicated relationship with anger.]
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his eyes lower as he listens, the wry smile on his face dissipating as quickly as it had appeared. He knows the reasoning, of course. It's perfectly logical - practical, even. In any other situation, Hikage would be agreeing with them. He's always a pragmatist.
Until it comes to his own feelings. Then it all goes out the window. Both of them have seen it in him, and he recognizes it in himself, too. ]
I know. [ a beat. ] That's why I said you were strong.
[ he lifts his gaze from the floor to Belph, then to Steph, before it falls to the ground again. ]
... I'm not strong like you. I want revenge. Even if what happened was logical - even if it doesn't make sense to want it... I can't stop. When I remembered, it was all I could think about. When they turned against me in that store, I wanted it, too. It felt good to be angry...
[ ... ]
... But I thought about you more than I did hurting them. If I got to see you again, I wanted you to welcome me back. I couldn't act on those desires as Hikage. [ he sighs through his nose, chewing his bottom lip. ] ... If I hated them, you might change your mind about me. But if you hated them, that meant you wouldn't ever forget me. ... I was lonely.
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[ would steph have been upset if hikage tried to do revenge that was more than hitting them, like murder? yes. they already finished the competition, so any death beyond this point isn't something she can forgive, honestly, no matter who did it.
but no one will stop him from showing his anger in other ways. ]
... we wouldn't forget you regardless, Hikage. You're our friend.
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Have a little more faith in yourself, man.
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... You really deserve better. [ a self-deprecating smirk finds its way onto his face. ] I'll try. As long as you try to keep that promise.
[ he wants to live in their minds, if nowhere else. being remembered is enough. ]
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[ there's a pause. ]
And stop saying things about deserving better. I'm getting really tired of hearing that? You all need to stop being so self-deprecating.
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I'd like to think we're both decent at keeping our word.
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he looks somewhat awkward at that, scratching his neck, but shrugs. He just wants to be better at making her happy! And him, too. ]
Maybe when it comes to things other than staying out of trouble.
[ there's a dry tone to his voice that suggests he's kind of joking. but only kind of. ]
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