[ uuuuugggghhhhh!! he doesn't feel any better now. He kind of feels worse. He was comfortable in his non-relationship with Steph, even if he wanted more. The idea of it changing is frightening. The fact that he's tangling with that idea at all is frightening, because that means he might have feelings for Belph, too, because wouldn't he have just laughed the suggestion off otherwise, because, because -- he's seen it all before in other people. He's afraid. ]
As if three people who happened to all be okay with that would just happen to find each other in such a ridiculous way...
[ he shakes his head. at least he seems to be retreating into a more morose state rather than getting angry. ]
... You don't know me well. I'll tell you that even wanting to be friends with them is more than I deserve, after everything I've done. This conversation is too idealistic to include me.
[THIS AGED SO POORLY "FOCUS ON SURVIVING" AND THEN HE SHOWED UP DEAD ON FRIDAY I HATE YOU SIB
anyway lili is just going to tilt her head at that.]
... I don't think this sort of thing is about what you deserve. I think it's about what you want. Even some really horrible people supposedly find love, but that's just because they pursue what their heart wants.
It's not anything all that rational, or sensible.
dana you have somehow ended up with the most food from hikage
[ of course he knows that; he's too old to believe that love is anything other than irrational. Of all emotions, it's the least logical and the most dangerous. He's used it so many times to bring people to their highest highs before dashing them against the rocks of despair. It's why he'd tried so hard to stay away from it before. The smallest taste of that forbidden fruit would be inviting even more pain into his miserable life. It was easier to discard his humanity.
But he's tasted it now, hasn't he? Even if he hasn't said it aloud. He remembered how he loved his sister. He had acknowledged to himself that he might love Steph - though he'd shied away from it. And Belph...
(was this love? this connection he felt? if belph was a woman, wouldn't hikage call it love? does he love belph as a man, then, too...?) ]
It's not about what I want. It's about them. I mean... it's about Stephanie. [ he's still hesitant to include Belph in the conversation, apparently. ]
.... you don't need to correct yourself to convince me of any which way, you know.
[because she thinks 'about them' makes more sense to her. she thinks that's the part that's really worth hearing, and discussing. he cares about both of them, and it really seems to be torturing him, even for reasons that she can't quite understand.]
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As if three people who happened to all be okay with that would just happen to find each other in such a ridiculous way...
[ he shakes his head. at least he seems to be retreating into a more morose state rather than getting angry. ]
... You don't know me well. I'll tell you that even wanting to be friends with them is more than I deserve, after everything I've done. This conversation is too idealistic to include me.
no subject
anyway lili is just going to tilt her head at that.]
... I don't think this sort of thing is about what you deserve. I think it's about what you want. Even some really horrible people supposedly find love, but that's just because they pursue what their heart wants.
It's not anything all that rational, or sensible.
dana you have somehow ended up with the most food from hikage
I know that.
[ of course he knows that; he's too old to believe that love is anything other than irrational. Of all emotions, it's the least logical and the most dangerous. He's used it so many times to bring people to their highest highs before dashing them against the rocks of despair. It's why he'd tried so hard to stay away from it before. The smallest taste of that forbidden fruit would be inviting even more pain into his miserable life. It was easier to discard his humanity.
But he's tasted it now, hasn't he? Even if he hasn't said it aloud. He remembered how he loved his sister. He had acknowledged to himself that he might love Steph - though he'd shied away from it. And Belph...
(was this love? this connection he felt? if belph was a woman, wouldn't hikage call it love? does he love belph as a man, then, too...?) ]
It's not about what I want. It's about them. I mean... it's about Stephanie. [ he's still hesitant to include Belph in the conversation, apparently. ]
i've been starving thank u
[because she thinks 'about them' makes more sense to her. she thinks that's the part that's really worth hearing, and discussing. he cares about both of them, and it really seems to be torturing him, even for reasons that she can't quite understand.]
But you shouldn't assume what they want either.