psychedelica | (no subject)

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[ once Ion's gone, the evening progresses fairly normally; Hikage has his tea, they discuss today's unfortunate goings-on, he fusses over Steph's injuries (or the ones she has left, really), and, eventually, they go to sleep. He's become quite used to sleeping on the floor now. His back hurts, and the recent drop in temperatures has made it even less comfortable than before, but he endures. He's been through worse than this.

Tonight, though, he tosses and turns. His heart pounds; his fingers and toes feel cold; his mind won't stop racing, going through today's events until they're nothing but a skipping, tattered reel. It must be the adrenaline. Strange to think that a man without a real physical body could still feel such a visceral reaction to anything... then again, he still bled and cried like anyone else, too. Maybe it's a restlessness of the soul ailing him more than an effect of his body. He needs something to soothe it.

Why he goes to her bed, then, he doesn't know. But he stands, and quietly walks around to the side that's still vacant, and, wordlessly, slips himself between the covers. His mind feels blank. The mattress, however, feels comforting. Hikage lays on his side, looking at her silhouette in the gloom of the room. She probably woke up from that, knowing her. ]

Don't say a word.

[ he mumbles a defense, and his hand wanders to rest on her side as he does so, experimentally. ]

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[ stephanie isn't a light sleeper by nature; it's more of a necessity, really, with her line of work and what her life growing up was like. that, with the addition of her usually not actually sleeping at night, makes it so that it's fairly easy to wake her up.

when hikage gets up, she assumes he's going to the bathroom or maybe out for a walk. but when the bed dips slightly as he gets into it, steph decides that she is definitely still asleep and she wonders why her subconscious is coming up with this kind of dream. she waits, wondering if she'll actually wake up for real or not, when hikage speaks and reaches out.

hm. don't say a word, he says.

she scoots closer. ]

Can I say more than one?

[ he's waiting for a bad reaction, even though he knows one won't come. She was the one who wanted this, originally. He's just letting himself indulge a little. He deserves something after all that, right? When she doesn't shake him off, scoots closer, instead, he stops hesitating, wrapping his arm around her waist with a confidence in stark contrast to his usual timidity.

He doesn't think too hard about why he's doing this. ]

That depends on what they are.

[ she laughs, although it's a softer one than how normally cheerful she sounds. steph is tired, but she also doesn't actually want to disturb the quiet too much despite the fact that she insists on talking. ]

This is much warmer than just the blankets.

[ she's surprised by this, but she's also not. it reminds her of her ex, just a little; tim would always get flustered by her flirting and would unexpectedly sweep her off her feet.
that probably says more about her than the guys, but oh well. ]

I meant "no."

[ he complains, but she's right. It is warm. It's... nice. It's comforting. That must have been what he was looking for - comfort. Why? Why does he need to be comforted after tonight. Objectively, it was a success. No one he was particularly close to died, and tonight, nobody innocent was convicted, against all odds. They even got closer to understanding how this place might work, and fingered a second potential culprit. So why doesn't he feel satisfied? He feels like there's a hole inside of his body, and the rest of him is swirling around it like a drain while he focuses outward and pretends nothing is wrong.

Is it his memories? He should have stopped caring about those a long time ago. He shouldn't even be getting close to someone like this... ]

... Something's wrong, [ he mumbles, out of nowhere. he curls his head inward, his hair grazing her back. ] Something's wrong with me...

[ that immediately has her concerned.

steph shifts, trying her best not to disturb him too much, but she wants to actually look at him. even though hikage has told her about purgatory, and his lack of memories and feelings regarding that, he doesn't actually say much about his actual feelings now. the fact that he's admitting to some sort of weakness is worrisome. ]

Hey. Are you okay?

[ her hand moves to feel his forehead, just in case. do dead people get sick. she has no idea. ]

[ they do not get sick, although, oddly, he does feels warm, like a normal human might. Not that she'll get to touch him for long; despite the fact that he was the one to start holding her (and he doesn't let go), he shies away from her touch. Much like his posture, his expression is conflicted, and he pointedly avoids eye contact, as much as it can be made in the dark. He definitely doesn't look okay. ]

No... I shouldn't be here.

[ the manor? this room? this bed? maybe all of it; he doesn't explain, and he doesn't even seem to be talking to her, exactly. even so, he doesn't let go of her. ]

Hikage. Should I leave?

[ she's had the bed this whole time, but in all honesty, steph is used to sleeping in uncomfortable places. she wouldn't mind stepping out to give him some time alone, if that's what he would prefer.

still, she doesn't move. he hasn't let go yet, so she won't make the first move to untangle them from each other. ]

Don't go.

[ the words come out more quickly than he expects, largely because he doesn't expect them at all. But there they are. He doesn't know where they came from; the sinking nostalgic feeling in his gut and the sharp pain in his head tells him they're probably from his past. Was he like this before...? Is he still like this? Even as he's confused, he holds her a little tighter. ]

... Answer something for me. If... [ he feels like he shouldn't be saying this, just like he shouldn't be here, but it's like something deep inside is urging him forward. ] ... If I remembered - if the man I was before was someone horrible, would you change?

You're not horrible. [ her reply is automatic. stern. a moment passes before she speaks again, because she knows that's not actually answering his question. ] Do you remember the kid I mentioned earlier? The one who's stabby? That wasn't me making some kind of joke, he's a trained assassin who was with some very bad people. I wouldn't be surprised if he does ever actually stab me. And one of my best friends was also an assassin-- same group, mostly. She's probably one of the most deadliest people on the planet, skill-wise. I don't want to think of how many people they've killed between them.

[ she sighs, leaning into hikage. ]

But I'd die for either of them, if I had to. They're not bad people. You're not a bad people, no matter what you may have done.

[ she answers so readily he almost believes her. Then he regrets asking at all. Something really is wrong with him. There's a sharp exhale from him; it can't quite be called a laugh. ]

Isn't that just the answer that's most convenient for you? I could be faking everything.

[ Hikage replies quietly, nearly under his breath; there's a disparaging tone in his voice, as if he knows she's lying to his face. She doesn't know who he really is. Even he doesn't...

Don't you?

He doesn't know much about Steph, either. But she's a warm body to hold, with a pretty face and pretty words. That's all this is. That's all. It can't be anything else. After a few moments, he shakes his head gently, meeting her leaning with his own. ]

... Nevermind... I don't know what I'm talking about. Go back to sleep.

Edited 2018-06-19 02:28 (UTC)

Well, excuse me for answering your question.

[ she has a generally low tolerance for rudeness directed at her when it isn't banter.

still. there's something wrong, and she knows it, but stephanie doesn't think she'd get more out of him regarding this. it's slowly becoming more and more apparent just how much his lack of memories are bothering him. ]

Hikage?

[ if she told him his memories were bothering him, he'd deny it. All of that is gone; he's someone else now. He's "Hikage." That's why something has to be wrong. Being around all these living people shouldn't make him jealous. Being treated kindly by people who don't know any better shouldn't make him happy. And being alone with his thoughts at night shouldn't make him lonely. He's supposed to have left living behind. ]

What?

[ his response is quiet, and tired, but with how close they are now, she can surely hear it. ]

[ she reaches over to take his hand and give it a light squeeze. ]

It's not just convenient to me. I'll show you that, one day.

[ it's a promise, one that she knows will take some time to prove. there's still a lot they don't know about each other, and stephanie has long since realized that hikage is not the kind of person who trusts easily. she'll do her best then. ]

[ Is he supposed to just believe that? What a laughable idea, after all the things he's seen and done. He knows how capricious the human heart is. She'll need to make him believe it.

But it seems like she already knows that. And if she hasn't earned a fraction of his trust already, then what is he doing here, curling up next to her, closing his fingers around hers? If this is a leap of faith, he's already started to stumble off the edge. ]

... Just go back to sleep.

Mm.

[ there's more she would like to say. steph is argumentative by nature, but she isn't even entirely sure of what the argument is exactly. whatever the problem is, it's something that one change in just one night.

hopefully it will soon. ]

See you tomorrow.

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