psychedelica | (no subject)

[Jae-ha just manages a bit of a laugh at that - ah, figures. He listens and he's careful, trying to parse out the lies and the truth. At which point the anger starts to stain Hikage's words, where he starts to sound like he's confusing himself, and acting out of bitterness.

He wonders if Steph has seen this - and he wonders if that's the entire point.]

Have you ever stopped to think about why?

Why is it that happiness hurts you so much?

[ Jae-ha's continuing cool-headedness in the face of his anger and fear only serves to work him into a further froth. In the back of his mind, he's aware that he shouldn't be saying any of this to him - that he's putting himself in danger - but he can't stop. He's approaching the end of his rope. Will it even matter if he dies here? ]

Because it can't be real! It won't last - it can't last, because I have no future! I'm dead. All this happiness is fake.

[ even if he's happy for a moment, it will go away. he'll go back to his castle, and he will sit in his throne, alone, forever, while the world passes him by, unable to live and unable to die. ]

Nothing is meant to last forever. Even people who are alive know that.

[Jae-ha breathes out - the only sign that this conversation might be getting to him in the stutter of his breath before he shakes his head. He otherwise remains calm, because he knows that there's no point in letting himself get worked up. Devolving into yelling isn't what he does. This is easier - letting Hikage break apart in front of him, making sure that no one else sees.]

If everyone living and dead were to be afraid to feel happiness because they knew it'd be gone one day, there's no real point in living anyway.

If you're afraid to let yourself be happy because you think you'll lose it - admit it. Calling Steph and everyone else in this castle dishonest for liking you, for wanting to care about you... you're smarter than that.

[ if he just told Jae-ha that he'd have to exist for eternity with that wound, he wonders if his tune would change. Or if he told Jae-ha how many people he'd tricked and damned to an eternity of despair just for his own amusement, to further his own desires - would he still say that Hikage was smart, and that he deserved that affection? Stephanie would hate him if she knew. That's why he can't stand this. All of it is fake. It won't last if he keeps lying - it won't last if he tells the truth, either. ]

No... You're the one who isn't smart! You don't understand anything. No one cares about me. No one... I'm not someone that people should care about in the first place. They only care about Hikage. The real me is... hahah, the real me is... enough to make them hate me!

[ so he perpetuates this lie so that he can manipulate them more easily. that's all it is. ]

[This sure is a man on a breakdown - and Jae-ha's brow furrows as he watches it happen. He keeps his distance, just in case, but otherwise doesn't back down.]

... I wonder if you'll ever just admit that you're too afraid to find out the truth. Or that you want to be Hikage, and you want to accept the affection that you receive from people.

I told you that it doesn't matter who you used to be, if you can't remember anything outside of being dead - but it's about the choices that you make here. If you choose to be Hikage, there's nothing wrong with that.

If you choose to be like this -

... you'll need to make a decision. Sooner rather than later.

It's not like me to lecture someone - [god, he hates acting like he knows any better than anyone else but] - so I suppose you can take that as a sign that I care about you, even seeing you like this.

[ he really wishes Jae-ha would react. He wants him to be scared, angry, disgusted, something to prove that Hikage was right, that he'd be rejected and hated, but he doesn't even look surprised. His bluster starts to leak out of him like air from a balloon, and where he wishes he looked threatening or even monstrous, he just looks lost and scared. No matter who Hikage thinks he really is, those emotions are the real thing.

He hates this. He hates it because Jae-ha is right. He's scared of the truth, he's scared of being rejected, he's so scared of it that he'd rather die - that's how he ended up in this situation in the first place, as he'll remember in tomorrow's trial. But he's done so much wrong that he can't just pretend it didn't happen and be Hikage.

His hands shake; he doesn't respond at first. ]

S... Shut up. Just shut up... You're lying to me. Choose... I can't choose...

[ how can he, when both parts of him are real? even if he was a white butterfly once, his wings are so stained now that he may as well be a black butterfly, too. ]

[ . . . . and Jae-ha just breathes out, his expression softening at the look of fear on Hikage's face. There isn't sympathy there, not even the empathy that managed to hit him before, but just... relief. Even if Hikage isn't sure of anything else, at least there's a little part of him that's being honest. That he can't hide away.

So he just shakes his head.]

I'll make a promise - to you, of all people here in this castle, I won't lie. I have nothing to gain from it.

[He doesn't take joy in Hikage's suffering - but it doesn't feel right to let him stew in his own confusion alone either.]

You can choose. You can accept that both parts might be real. But I can't tell you what to do.

Only that I hope you find a happiness that you can accept here.

[ he doesn't believe that promise for a second; it rolls off of him like water. He can't trust people; he doesn't remember why, but he never has been able to believe in them. Innately, he believes they'll betray him. Maybe it's because he knows he's always lying, himself - but he's also certain that it's something left over from who he used to be.

Not that he can think about that right now. When he approached Jae-ha, he'd intended to yell and curse at him and scare him into submission. Instead, he's standing before him, quivering, feeling as vulnerable as if he was just stripped naked. Hikage wonders how he knows so much; maybe Jae-ha's a clairvoyant, too, and can see into what he's feeling just by being near him. The ludicrous idea of choosing burns him like the sun. If he chose, he'd have to tell someone.

(Even the fact that he's thinking that means he's already chosen; he doesn't realize it.) ]

... Are you going to kill me?

... I don't plan on killing anyone here. It's not in my nature to do as I'm told, so I'll probably die disobeying. It wouldn't be the first time that I got close to it.

[It'd only be a matter of time before something finished off the job. He wonders if that's something he should be saying to a dead man and so he admits, quieter:]

Breathing and going through the motions of someone else's plan - that doesn't sound like living to me anyway.

As for the idea of killing you in particular... I told you that I like you. I think you're afraid, confused, and scared at the idea of freedom.... but I think that's why I want to root for you, more than anything else.

[It's familiar.

It's so painfully, achingly familiar. But Jae-ha knows that not everyone in the same as him - born with a sense of defiance and spite for fate - and so perhaps that's why he encourages small acts of rebellion where he can.]

You'll regret it.

[ it's a faint defiance, all that he can muster where he is now. He doesn't believe what Jae-ha says. The two of them just don't know each other that well; somehow, Jae-ha has just managed to press all of his buttons in the most infuriating way this week. Now he's made a fatal error. He's sure that Jae-ha is more involved than he's letting on, and he's sure that letting this knowledge leak will kill him. Being a liar is enough to make someone like him a suspect.

He should shoot him now, but that would only make his own demise come faster.

Hikage doesn't say anything else; he just stands still there, like an animal frozen in fear. ]

... are you trying to threaten me into secrecy?

[He - can't help it, he sounds a little wry at the idea.]

I think you need to decide whether you want to keep living or not, but I hope you don't think you can bait me into making that decision for you. I don't plan on ending your time here early. If trying to talk to you about your problems just means that you end up wanting to kill me, that's my choice and my mistake - but I'm choosing to make it.

[Also he's a little painfully confident in his ability to stay alive. It's likely overconfidence, and it's why he has a tendency to put himself in dangerous situations for the sake of others but - that's just as written into his blood as the color of his hair.]

You're still not the ugliest soul I've ever seen.

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thanks for breaking out the crazy icon for me sib

yw dana

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