psychedelica | (no subject)

[ she once again closes the door quietly behind her.

during the trial, stephanie mostly played it off as nothing out of the ordinary to keep people from bothering him. if she didn't seem too worried, others might not fuss too much over him when he most likely would prefer people to not witness his breakdown.

she doesn't talk right away, and instead walks over to the bed to sit down. ]

Sorry.

[ he looks over his shoulder at her, turning around very slightly. The pistol is still in his hands, but he doesn't point it at her; the barrel's turned towards him more than anything. ]

For getting in trouble again? At least you apologized for once.

[ his dry comment lacks its usual bite. It's hard to get angry at her for potentially putting them both in danger again when he's standing here, wondering if it would be easier to end it all a second time. ]

I always apologize.

[ she... thinks... actually, she isn't entirely sure about that, so she quickly moves the topic along before he can counter that. ]

What are you doing?

Nothing.

[ yet. ]

I'm thinking. [ a beat. ] What are we doing here, Stephanie?

[ what is the point of this? why is he still around? he should be dead. the more he remembers, and the more of this place he sees, the less he wants to survive. It should have all been over that night so many years ago when he pressed this barrel to his head - but, inexplicably, he's still here. Who's benefiting from all his suffering? ]

We're trying to get back home.

[ it's a simplification. this has gotten a lot more complicated than just that. then again, it's been complicated since the beginning, it's just becoming more and more apparent just how little they really know about what's going on behind the scenes. ]

... why?

All we're doing is making ourselves miserable. Whatever the real way out of this is, we still don't know it. We just throw a few more bodies at the problem every week.

[ now, he sounds cold. he rubs his thumb over the gun metal. ]

... There's no place for me to go, anyway. I've been fooling myself.

[ at that, she actually gets up from the bed and walks slowly towards him. ]

What are you saying exactly here?

I'm saying this is a waste of time for me. I have nothing here... I have no past, and I have no future, either. The one thing I have is...

[ his eyes narrow, but he shakes his head, not finishing his sentence. Hikage looks over towards her, then, a faint, sardonic smile on his face. ]

Do you want to know what I remembered?

[ she wasn't going to ask; it was a subject that she was going to just wait and see if he would bring up himself, especially considering how he reacted to receiving it. ]

Only if you want to tell me.

The way I died. I wanted to see her again so badly that I broke every rule there was. But once I had, I was more afraid of her seeing what I'd become than death. So I threw it all away. I took this [ he lifts the handgun, gestures at his own head with it ] and blew my head off.

[ he's conversational in tone, like he's talking about someone else. In a sense, he is. ]

But for some reason, I'm still here.

[ her gaze travels from the gun in his hand and then back to his face. a lot of what he's saying is going over her head; "every rule" and "what 'd become" are vague enough that his words just raises more questions than answers them. but that last part-- that's clear. ]

You killed yourself.

[ it feels redundant to restate that. but stephanie still isn't quite sure where he's going with this, since it's at least obvious he isn't telling her just for the sake of telling her. ]

It still sounds like a good idea, to be honest. But I'd feel guilty getting you killed in the process.

[ he doesn't know why he would, but he would. Probably because she's been good to him when he doesn't deserve it. He taps the gun against his fingers a few times, then holsters it at his hip again where it usually hangs. ]

You'll have your fill of suffering tomorrow, I'm sure.

Who even cares what's going to happen tomorrow...

[ well, she will, once tomorrow happens and she loses a fucking leg, but that's not the point here.

stephanie will move towards him, stopping when she's actually right in front of him. ]

Look, I won't pretend to know what's going on with you. I don't understand you, or a lot of the things you say, or even-- this, but... I'm here, I guess. And I'll stay here, with you.

[ that silences him for a little while. Hikage eyes her, the dry, self-deprecating smile on his face fading. ]

... Why do you always say that?

[ she has no reason to stay with him. Just being his partner isn't reason to endure his company as much as she does, or try to comfort him in times like these. The answer is simple, of course - but he doesn't like it, so he continues to pick at it. ]

Is it because you like me? Do you think you're my friend? [ a pause. Hikage flexes his fingers anxiously. ] You're a hero. I'm a villain. I'm not talking about our stupid titles, either. If we met outside of this manor, you would be hunting me down for the things I've done, and that's just the things I remember.

[ she doesn't understand because he doesn't want her to. if she knew the truth, he wouldn't be able to earn her trust - no, she'd reject him, and he's afraid of it. both are true. maybe one more than the other, now. ]

Of course we're friends, even if you refuse to see it.

[ she thinks about cassandra and damian, who have killed a lot of people for reasons that were less than noble. it would be more than a little hypocritical of steph to immediately cast hikage aside without knowing exactly what happened. and even then, it's kind of like what he said. he's a different person now. ]

And, you know... second chances do exist.

[ he sighs, silently, and looks away from her. ]

If I told you I've been lying to you since the day we met, would you still give me that second chance?

[ he has to do something about her. Walking around in this state, not knowing where he stands with her, is killing him a second time. If this was the first time tonight he'd had this conversation, he'd be more shaken, more upset, but there's at least one person in this castle he can call an ally, and so he can stand a little bit firmer in front of Stephanie now, despite how he seemed ready to give up on everything.

He's at a crossroads tonight. He has to decide which fork to take. ]

At this point I wouldn't be exactly surprised, if I'm honest.

[ she's always known that hikage wasn't telling her everything. the problem was that she had no idea what exactly that everything was, whether it stretched further than the game they were currently in or not. ]

What is it?

... I'm the same as Tiger and Dragon.

[ he holds his arms out to the side, like a monarch inviting either praise or death. ]

I told you that I was dead. Most souls pass on soon after their mortal lives end... But I never could, no matter how hard I tried. I was trapped between worlds, alone, with no memory of who I was or where I came from. The weeks turned into months, and the months turned into years. [ as he continues, he starts seeming more manic; in his heart, he knows he should hold himself back if he really actually wants her to stay, but he can't bring himself to do it - he just continues to ramble. ] Do you know what that does to you? I started forgetting what it meant to be human at all. I stopped feeling anything -- no, I still remembered how to be angry. It wasn't fair that I was the only one who had to suffer. So I took control. It was my castle, and I was its master. I started pitting the other dead against each other for fun. I would turn them into beasts, and snuff out their hope... I loved their cries of despair and their tears. I would relish their suffering, even if it was only a fraction of mine. It was the only thing that could satisfy me...

[ hikage doesn't know if he uses past tense because he speaks of events in the past, or because he's talking about things that aren't true anymore. ]

And do you know what? I was doing the same thing here. When I told you I wanted to protect everyone with you, I was lying. I just wanted you to trust me. Haha. That's right... I don't really care what happens to the people here. I'm exactly the type of person you despise.

[ there's only silence when he's done. he's right; he sounds just like a member of gotham's usual rogue gallery, and the thought almost makes her laugh. stephanie asks what would bruce do in a reveal like this, or tim, or babs. she isn't entirely sure except for the fact that they'd find a way to adapt to it. whatever that means.

she wants to hit him though. so, she steps forward again, so that they're close and she can slap him. ]

What about now? You said it's what you were doing here. Hikage-- [ her voice cracks. ] I need you. And I know that... sometimes you make a decision that just spirals into something, especially when you don't have anything to hold you back. So please, just stay with me? I'll just hit you if you do anything crazy. But I need you.

[ adapt, adapt, adapt. there isn't a lot she can do in this situation other than take his hand or reject him, and the latter is basically signing a death warrant. but mostly, steph wants to believe that there's good in him. this isn't exactly the same as where he was before. things are different. the fact that he's even admitting to all of this instead of keeping it a secret says... something. ]

[ he doesn't even make an effort to avoid it; the wild smile and the dark look in his eyes fly off of his face with the slap, as if they were just an attitude he was putting on. In that moment, he realizes that they were, in a sense. He was clinging to that persona because it was safe, at this point - safer than admitting he cares about anyone when he knows none of this can last, less horrible than admitting he was wrong and this isn't like him and it's not what his sister would have wanted. Hikage reels backwards, bringing a hand to his cheek, and stares at her, shaking just slightly. ]

You don't need me. [ he laughs bitterly as he says the words, shaking his head. ] Just kill me and have that person give you a new partner. That would be better for everyone. You're a hero, aren't you?

Edited 2018-07-04 21:24 (UTC)

If I'm a hero, then you should know why I can't do that.

[ that's not how she does things. there was once a time when she questioned why batman didn't just let the worst of the worst die. she didn't understand the point in just giving criminals a slap on the wrist and sending them on their way; they'd just break out, or get released, and then the cycle would start again.

but she knows why now. not everyone deserves a second chance, or will ever be capable of it. the joker is one of those people, so is black mask. but if you kill someone because of what they've done, you'll do it again, and again. you'll start killing them all, even the ones who could still back away from this life and create something better. batman is right; a single person cannot be the judge, jury, and executioner. it's why she hates this place. he would hate it even more.

steph flexes the hand that hit him. she can still feel the gun in her hands, from all those years ago. ]

We're partners. So we're going to get as far as we can together, Hikage. And we're going to figure things out. it's probably going to be very painful, and we'll struggle and fight a lot, but we'll do it together.

... Is that it? You're willing to accept it all, just like that? You...

[ In his throat, he can feel his old fallbacks rising up - liar, she's lying, she's lying so she can use him - he's an easy target to throw under the bus, and now, he even knows that she's in need of one. But the words die before they can make it out of his mouth, and they're replaced by an unfamiliar heat.

Would it have been this easy, all this time? Would anyone have forgiven him so easily? Or is it just Stephanie that's this way? Because he's her partner? Because she's a hero? Or because she actually cares about him, in some way? He doesn't know. It might be safer, to keep playing the role of the villain, to drown himself in his misery and feed off the misery of others, and he's sure it's what he would have done before - but now he can remember his sister's face, and the fear he felt knowing how she'd disapprove of what he'd done, and he can't bring himself to go back. Jae-ha told him he had a choice, and the decision's been made for him.

Tears prick at his eyes, and he hangs his head, bringing one hand to rub at them. ]

Why do you always forgive me...?

[ because... he wants to be forgiven, she thinks.

steph can still remember when he got the memory of his sister back, and how genuinely happy he was. she remembers when he was under that weird influence and was temporarily in love with her. and even if that was someone else's doing, he also seemed... happy. he can be happy.

things are definitely different here, and if they can keep moving in the right direction. ]

I'm not saying I'm not upset. I am, but... [ she reaches out again, but this time it's not to hit him. she grabs the hand that's wiping away his tears. ] When aren't we annoyed with each other?

[ she's right

so even though his first instinct is to yank his hand away, he lets her take it, looking up at her miserably. He's been through enough tonight, and he's worn out; he looks more vulnerable than he ever has, even when he got dosed with that love potion. Oddly, his right eye is bright, crimson red, almost glowing - a stark contrast to the regular dark purple-brown. ]

Annoyed... You should hate me. I thought you would...

[ but maybe, inside, he knew she wouldn't, as much as he feels like he deserves it. ]

I've been told that I'm hard to predict.

[ and she's still trying to figure all of this out. stephanie isn't even sure if she'll ever truly understand her feelings on this situation-- there's too much going on. if they weren't currently stuck in a disney hunger games, maybe she would have reacted differently. but the fact is that this is their lives now, and she can't waste time by questioning what she would do if things were different. because they're not. ]

We should go to bed, you know. I have to suffer tomorrow.

[ it's probably a bad idea to keep having a conversation this heavy after everything that's happened. it's been a long and emotional day. ]

...

[ Hikage knows he's not getting any sleep tonight. There's too much on his mind for that - he became used to nights like these a long time ago. He's more surprised that that's her suggestion - that she can take this so lightly. Isn't she afraid that he'll betray her, or hurt her? Isn't she angry that he lied? It's true that he hadn't done anything yet here - or, rather, he hasn't killed anyone himself - but he didn't give her those details. She just knows now how cruel he is. He stares at her, eyes and cheeks still wet, his hand limp in hers. ]

... Aren't you scared?

[ of him? of what's happening tomorrow - of anything? she takes everything in stride, she's so reckless and brave - something he thinks is a virtue as much as it annoys him. ]

[ she looks down at their hands. ]

Anything they do to me, I've already been through worse.

[ it's said with a slight smile, a shrug of her shoulders. the future is uncertain, but that same uncertainty means that there is a chance for something good to come out of it. she can feel that same possibility, resting between her hand and his. ]

I think that we can change things for the better. Even now, after our failure [ she expression sours at that; she's pretty angry at how they convicted the wrong person ] I think that we can still do this. So... I'm a little scared, but I have hope. I'll let that drive me more than the fear.

[ he's afraid to bet on the happy end - every memory he has of doing so resulted in him being let down, disappointed, or hurt. Trusting people doesn't come easily to him. He still doesn't even fully remember the scope of the betrayals he faced, nor the lies he was forced to swallow.

But when he looks at her now, he can see that hope in her eyes. He doesn't understand where it comes from, after everything that's happened to her. ]

... You're strong. Stronger than me. [ he breathes out, softly. ] ... I haven't decided yet. If I'm happier being with you than I am hurting you. The others, too, of course.

[ all this time, this is what he's been worrying over, wondering if something's wrong with him, not knowing what the right answer is. he hadn't intended to ever talk about it. ]

Even knowing that, will you stand by what you said? Do you have that much hope, Stephanie? [ a beat. ] ... Do you think you can convince me?

Yes.

[ her voice is firm, and she squeezes his hand when she says it. ]

I'm pretty convincing, so... we'll see.

[ she can't even really blame him for giving in, especially if he's been alone for so long. but he seems to at least want her to be right, even a little. and that's enough. ]

[ Hikage wonders if it's actually okay to believe in that. But he's gone too far to turn back now; he told her about himself. It's out of his hands. He'd told her with the intention to either be killed by her, or accepted by her, and it seems like the latter is what happened.

For the second time today, someone has seen all of him and accepted him nonetheless.

Maybe this feeling is temporary - she could die tomorrow and seal his fate, or he could be killed off this week in the name of this horrible game. But he's not in the manor in the in-between anymore - and he's not living his old life, either. Maybe it doesn't have to end in suffering. Maybe it could simply end, at long last. And if that's the case, then he can embrace this happiness. It can be real. ]

Then... I'm counting on you.

[ he squeezes back, faintly. ]

You got it, stud.

[ that gets a smile out of her. it's not as big as ones from before, but it's there and it's genuine. she'll slowly start walking towards the bed, her hand still holding onto his. ]

Come on, let's go.

[ even if neither of them ends up sleeping and instead spend the night lost in their own thoughts, she would at least prefer to do that while lying down. as much as she likes to pretend otherwise, her leg does hurt (not like that will be a problem after tonight, ha ha). ]