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[ what up, guess who needs a stiff drink after today?? it's Hikage!! Presumably, Lili will want to eat dinner at some point, and it's in the mess hall that she'll find Hikage, who is sitting there, drinking sake by himself in the corner with some half-eaten onigiri on a plate in front of him. Frankly, it's not even the relationship stuff - it is that, actually, but it's on top of everything else. He's spinning his wheels here in every respect.
Why couldn't he have just gone to Gotham already? He supposes he deserves this.
He is not so lost in brooding that he doesn't notice Lili, but he just gives her a neutral look before taking a bite of his food glumly. ]
Why couldn't he have just gone to Gotham already? He supposes he deserves this.
He is not so lost in brooding that he doesn't notice Lili, but he just gives her a neutral look before taking a bite of his food glumly. ]
[lili is actually going to be putting away some of ookurikara's extra snacks in the fridge - but she blinks when she notices hikage and instead just. goes to sit across from him and pushes the cute wagashi over to him.]
Try one - they're good. Ookurikara's a good chef.
[and then - ]
Was the boys' party that bad?
[SHE ASSUMES IT WAS JUST LAME]
Try one - they're good. Ookurikara's a good chef.
[and then - ]
Was the boys' party that bad?
[SHE ASSUMES IT WAS JUST LAME]
[ it's hard for him to deny that Ookurikara's a good chef when he has the skill and mental capacity to make something as delicate as wagashi under these circumstances - so he accepts it with a small sigh, although he doesn't eat it yet. He should have figured she'd end up talking to him. ]
You're nosy. [ that said. ] ... I'm just tired. That's all. Things are complicated.
[ the good things in his life most of all - somehow. It seems happiness will always be something he'll struggle with. It would be best if things stayed the same, but he can feel them shifting under his feet again. ]
You're nosy. [ that said. ] ... I'm just tired. That's all. Things are complicated.
[ the good things in his life most of all - somehow. It seems happiness will always be something he'll struggle with. It would be best if things stayed the same, but he can feel them shifting under his feet again. ]
Those options aren't mutually exclusive.
[ and he is going to do both. ]
[ and he is going to do both. ]
[ he does blink at her for a moment there. It still feels strange to be offered kindness. Then again, Lili, too, has only interacted with the surface-level "Hikage" - she doesn't know the things that they do. Even now, after coming to terms with himself, the black butterfly and the white, he expects that most people wouldn't want to stay around him.
He has no reason to tell her more. Not right now, anyway. She's an ally at best. But Hikage relents nonetheless. Lili is reasonable, if nothing else... ]
You don't know? Those two idiots were shouting about it over the divider as loud as they could.
He has no reason to tell her more. Not right now, anyway. She's an ally at best. But Hikage relents nonetheless. Lili is reasonable, if nothing else... ]
You don't know? Those two idiots were shouting about it over the divider as loud as they could.
[ hm. the wedding. he ponders that, then decides it could be worse. (he does feel sorry for those two, as much as Hikage feels sorry for anyone - a love potion is really what started his troubles, too...) ]
Stephanie and Belph, [ he grumbles. ] They're annoying.
Stephanie and Belph, [ he grumbles. ] They're annoying.
Shut up. I didn't say I didn't like them...
[ he loves them very much but they're still ANNOYING!! Hikage snorts. ]
So you're talking about that, too.
[ he loves them very much but they're still ANNOYING!! Hikage snorts. ]
So you're talking about that, too.
[ why does his love life have to be everyone's business............ he hates this. he should have yelled at belph back then. ]
There's nothing "obvious" about it.
There's nothing "obvious" about it.
Don't be childish. That's not how it works in the real world.
[ a beat. then he considers the rest of what she said. ]
-- Hold on. Belph and I aren't like that, anyway.
[ why does everyone keep assuming this??
it's so mysterious ]
[ a beat. then he considers the rest of what she said. ]
-- Hold on. Belph and I aren't like that, anyway.
[ why does everyone keep assuming this??
it's so mysterious ]
[ BALKS ]
W-what?! No! He's important to me, but I... In the first place, I'm not interested in men. I was just talking about him like a friend would.
[ obviously?? Hikage is highly embarrassed by this assumption, judging by the way his face colors. ]
Stop thinking weird things about me.
W-what?! No! He's important to me, but I... In the first place, I'm not interested in men. I was just talking about him like a friend would.
[ obviously?? Hikage is highly embarrassed by this assumption, judging by the way his face colors. ]
Stop thinking weird things about me.
[ he'd agree with her if he wasn't so bothered by this assertion. It feels offensive, somehow, to say his feelings for Belph are romantic, as if their friendship had to boil down to that - like she's misunderstanding him, or both of them, and he finds he wants to stop thinking about it right away. He's afraid of thinking about it more. The concept is venomous. Even as he tries to close the door on it, he feels it slithering in, poisoning his thoughts.
Yes. He's afraid of this. It would be gambling everything he has. Aren't things precarious enough already? His eyes narrow, angry slits above flushed cheeks. ]
Stop. What could you know about what I want?
[ he shouldn't even have talked about this... maybe he drank one too many beers back at the springs. ]
Yes. He's afraid of this. It would be gambling everything he has. Aren't things precarious enough already? His eyes narrow, angry slits above flushed cheeks. ]
Stop. What could you know about what I want?
[ he shouldn't even have talked about this... maybe he drank one too many beers back at the springs. ]
[well.
she's walked into slumlord dens for information and been threatened at swordpoint, so a bit of an angry glare doesn't manage to bother her at all.]
Not much, admittedly. I've mostly just talked to Steph about all of it, after all.
What do you want?
she's walked into slumlord dens for information and been threatened at swordpoint, so a bit of an angry glare doesn't manage to bother her at all.]
Not much, admittedly. I've mostly just talked to Steph about all of it, after all.
What do you want?
[ Talked to Steph about all of it? What is "all of it?" He doesn't even know -- Steph and Belph don't tell him things, either, because they worry about him - he has to assume - and that only makes him more frustrated. Their kindness is painful and wonderful and humiliating all at once.
All he wants is to live in peace. He can't even imagine asking for more than that. He wishes that Belph and Steph would just get together so he could stop wondering about what-ifs. ]
Why do you even care? Do you enjoy gossiping about me?
All he wants is to live in peace. He can't even imagine asking for more than that. He wishes that Belph and Steph would just get together so he could stop wondering about what-ifs. ]
Why do you even care? Do you enjoy gossiping about me?
You are deeply overestimating how much I concern myself with bothering you - which is not at all.
[SHE REALLY DOESN'T CARE]
It's more that it's frustrating that there's a perfectly nice girl who's stuck in something with you and Belph and none of it really seems to be moving forward. A lot of people here are horrible at navigating romantic feelings, I just didn't think the three of you would add to the number.
[well.
belph maybe.]
[SHE REALLY DOESN'T CARE]
It's more that it's frustrating that there's a perfectly nice girl who's stuck in something with you and Belph and none of it really seems to be moving forward. A lot of people here are horrible at navigating romantic feelings, I just didn't think the three of you would add to the number.
[well.
belph maybe.]
Why does it have to move forward at all?
[ he says it without thinking. It would be better if things stayed the way they are now, probably - a little time capsule of when they all got along. Pushing forward is too risky. The thought of losing his friendship with either of them terrifies him to the core, a feeling he's become intimately familiar with in the past month after leaving it behind for so long.
Even the fact that he's thinking about pushing forward is frightening, as if there's some merit to the idea that he could love two people. As if he could love Belph. (As if Belph would love him!) ]
... We're already suffering just being here. They're both tired. We barely survived before. Things don't need to be more complicated than they are.
[ they are already complicated - this can't last forever - he knows this, and knew it when he left, but he thought he'd have more time... ]
[ he says it without thinking. It would be better if things stayed the way they are now, probably - a little time capsule of when they all got along. Pushing forward is too risky. The thought of losing his friendship with either of them terrifies him to the core, a feeling he's become intimately familiar with in the past month after leaving it behind for so long.
Even the fact that he's thinking about pushing forward is frightening, as if there's some merit to the idea that he could love two people. As if he could love Belph. (As if Belph would love him!) ]
... We're already suffering just being here. They're both tired. We barely survived before. Things don't need to be more complicated than they are.
[ they are already complicated - this can't last forever - he knows this, and knew it when he left, but he thought he'd have more time... ]
For the record, I'm not going to disagree with you that getting out of this miserable place takes precedence. Of course it does. If your odd romantic battle is too difficult to untangle, table it and focus on surviving first.
[like.
duh.]
But I think you've got problems outside of just focusing on the setting. There's nothing wrong with someone's heart being big enough for two people. You can't really stop yourself from wanting.
[like.
duh.]
But I think you've got problems outside of just focusing on the setting. There's nothing wrong with someone's heart being big enough for two people. You can't really stop yourself from wanting.
[ uuuuugggghhhhh!! he doesn't feel any better now. He kind of feels worse. He was comfortable in his non-relationship with Steph, even if he wanted more. The idea of it changing is frightening. The fact that he's tangling with that idea at all is frightening, because that means he might have feelings for Belph, too, because wouldn't he have just laughed the suggestion off otherwise, because, because -- he's seen it all before in other people. He's afraid. ]
As if three people who happened to all be okay with that would just happen to find each other in such a ridiculous way...
[ he shakes his head. at least he seems to be retreating into a more morose state rather than getting angry. ]
... You don't know me well. I'll tell you that even wanting to be friends with them is more than I deserve, after everything I've done. This conversation is too idealistic to include me.
As if three people who happened to all be okay with that would just happen to find each other in such a ridiculous way...
[ he shakes his head. at least he seems to be retreating into a more morose state rather than getting angry. ]
... You don't know me well. I'll tell you that even wanting to be friends with them is more than I deserve, after everything I've done. This conversation is too idealistic to include me.
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