[ he does blink at her for a moment there. It still feels strange to be offered kindness. Then again, Lili, too, has only interacted with the surface-level "Hikage" - she doesn't know the things that they do. Even now, after coming to terms with himself, the black butterfly and the white, he expects that most people wouldn't want to stay around him.
He has no reason to tell her more. Not right now, anyway. She's an ally at best. But Hikage relents nonetheless. Lili is reasonable, if nothing else... ]
You don't know? Those two idiots were shouting about it over the divider as loud as they could.
[ hm. the wedding. he ponders that, then decides it could be worse. (he does feel sorry for those two, as much as Hikage feels sorry for anyone - a love potion is really what started his troubles, too...) ]
Stephanie and Belph, [ he grumbles. ] They're annoying.
If you like two people, and they like each other, and everyone's okay with it.... shouldn't you date two people? Isn't that the only way that everyone ends up happy?
You don't have to be interested in men either - you could just be interested in Belph, specifically. You'd be right to do so since most men are pretty awful.
[ he'd agree with her if he wasn't so bothered by this assertion. It feels offensive, somehow, to say his feelings for Belph are romantic, as if their friendship had to boil down to that - like she's misunderstanding him, or both of them, and he finds he wants to stop thinking about it right away. He's afraid of thinking about it more. The concept is venomous. Even as he tries to close the door on it, he feels it slithering in, poisoning his thoughts.
Yes. He's afraid of this. It would be gambling everything he has. Aren't things precarious enough already? His eyes narrow, angry slits above flushed cheeks. ]
Stop. What could you know about what I want?
[ he shouldn't even have talked about this... maybe he drank one too many beers back at the springs. ]
[ Talked to Steph about all of it? What is "all of it?" He doesn't even know -- Steph and Belph don't tell him things, either, because they worry about him - he has to assume - and that only makes him more frustrated. Their kindness is painful and wonderful and humiliating all at once.
All he wants is to live in peace. He can't even imagine asking for more than that. He wishes that Belph and Steph would just get together so he could stop wondering about what-ifs. ]
Why do you even care? Do you enjoy gossiping about me?
You are deeply overestimating how much I concern myself with bothering you - which is not at all.
[SHE REALLY DOESN'T CARE]
It's more that it's frustrating that there's a perfectly nice girl who's stuck in something with you and Belph and none of it really seems to be moving forward. A lot of people here are horrible at navigating romantic feelings, I just didn't think the three of you would add to the number.
[ he says it without thinking. It would be better if things stayed the way they are now, probably - a little time capsule of when they all got along. Pushing forward is too risky. The thought of losing his friendship with either of them terrifies him to the core, a feeling he's become intimately familiar with in the past month after leaving it behind for so long.
Even the fact that he's thinking about pushing forward is frightening, as if there's some merit to the idea that he could love two people. As if he could love Belph. (As if Belph would love him!) ]
... We're already suffering just being here. They're both tired. We barely survived before. Things don't need to be more complicated than they are.
[ they are already complicated - this can't last forever - he knows this, and knew it when he left, but he thought he'd have more time... ]
For the record, I'm not going to disagree with you that getting out of this miserable place takes precedence. Of course it does. If your odd romantic battle is too difficult to untangle, table it and focus on surviving first.
[like.
duh.]
But I think you've got problems outside of just focusing on the setting. There's nothing wrong with someone's heart being big enough for two people. You can't really stop yourself from wanting.
[ uuuuugggghhhhh!! he doesn't feel any better now. He kind of feels worse. He was comfortable in his non-relationship with Steph, even if he wanted more. The idea of it changing is frightening. The fact that he's tangling with that idea at all is frightening, because that means he might have feelings for Belph, too, because wouldn't he have just laughed the suggestion off otherwise, because, because -- he's seen it all before in other people. He's afraid. ]
As if three people who happened to all be okay with that would just happen to find each other in such a ridiculous way...
[ he shakes his head. at least he seems to be retreating into a more morose state rather than getting angry. ]
... You don't know me well. I'll tell you that even wanting to be friends with them is more than I deserve, after everything I've done. This conversation is too idealistic to include me.
[THIS AGED SO POORLY "FOCUS ON SURVIVING" AND THEN HE SHOWED UP DEAD ON FRIDAY I HATE YOU SIB
anyway lili is just going to tilt her head at that.]
... I don't think this sort of thing is about what you deserve. I think it's about what you want. Even some really horrible people supposedly find love, but that's just because they pursue what their heart wants.
It's not anything all that rational, or sensible.
dana you have somehow ended up with the most food from hikage
[ of course he knows that; he's too old to believe that love is anything other than irrational. Of all emotions, it's the least logical and the most dangerous. He's used it so many times to bring people to their highest highs before dashing them against the rocks of despair. It's why he'd tried so hard to stay away from it before. The smallest taste of that forbidden fruit would be inviting even more pain into his miserable life. It was easier to discard his humanity.
But he's tasted it now, hasn't he? Even if he hasn't said it aloud. He remembered how he loved his sister. He had acknowledged to himself that he might love Steph - though he'd shied away from it. And Belph...
(was this love? this connection he felt? if belph was a woman, wouldn't hikage call it love? does he love belph as a man, then, too...?) ]
It's not about what I want. It's about them. I mean... it's about Stephanie. [ he's still hesitant to include Belph in the conversation, apparently. ]
.... you don't need to correct yourself to convince me of any which way, you know.
[because she thinks 'about them' makes more sense to her. she thinks that's the part that's really worth hearing, and discussing. he cares about both of them, and it really seems to be torturing him, even for reasons that she can't quite understand.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[she's so fucking rude even when she's being somewhat decent.]
I won't tell anyone what you're suffering through though, if you want to talk about it.
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He has no reason to tell her more. Not right now, anyway. She's an ally at best. But Hikage relents nonetheless. Lili is reasonable, if nothing else... ]
You don't know? Those two idiots were shouting about it over the divider as loud as they could.
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[she's just. so fucking done and fed up with this camp.]
You're going to need to be specific.
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Stephanie and Belph, [ he grumbles. ] They're annoying.
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[she's going to reach for a wagashi]
I asked Steph if you were all dating yet and she just laughed. But 'annoying' is a funny way to refer to the two people you obviously like the most.
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[ he loves them very much but they're still ANNOYING!! Hikage snorts. ]
So you're talking about that, too.
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anyway.]
I am. Isn't it the obvious solution?
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There's nothing "obvious" about it.
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What's the hang up....?
If you like two people, and they like each other, and everyone's okay with it.... shouldn't you date two people? Isn't that the only way that everyone ends up happy?
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[ a beat. then he considers the rest of what she said. ]
-- Hold on. Belph and I aren't like that, anyway.
[ why does everyone keep assuming this??
it's so mysterious ]
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[rudeass!!! but also she's just going to. squint.]
... are you sure? Don't you have feelings for him? I assumed that you did, the first time you talked to me about him.
[lili @ hikage: i was so sure you were gay]
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W-what?! No! He's important to me, but I... In the first place, I'm not interested in men. I was just talking about him like a friend would.
[ obviously?? Hikage is highly embarrassed by this assumption, judging by the way his face colors. ]
Stop thinking weird things about me.
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Why would it be weird?
You don't have to be interested in men either - you could just be interested in Belph, specifically. You'd be right to do so since most men are pretty awful.
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Yes. He's afraid of this. It would be gambling everything he has. Aren't things precarious enough already? His eyes narrow, angry slits above flushed cheeks. ]
Stop. What could you know about what I want?
[ he shouldn't even have talked about this... maybe he drank one too many beers back at the springs. ]
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she's walked into slumlord dens for information and been threatened at swordpoint, so a bit of an angry glare doesn't manage to bother her at all.]
Not much, admittedly. I've mostly just talked to Steph about all of it, after all.
What do you want?
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All he wants is to live in peace. He can't even imagine asking for more than that. He wishes that Belph and Steph would just get together so he could stop wondering about what-ifs. ]
Why do you even care? Do you enjoy gossiping about me?
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[SHE REALLY DOESN'T CARE]
It's more that it's frustrating that there's a perfectly nice girl who's stuck in something with you and Belph and none of it really seems to be moving forward. A lot of people here are horrible at navigating romantic feelings, I just didn't think the three of you would add to the number.
[well.
belph maybe.]
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[ he says it without thinking. It would be better if things stayed the way they are now, probably - a little time capsule of when they all got along. Pushing forward is too risky. The thought of losing his friendship with either of them terrifies him to the core, a feeling he's become intimately familiar with in the past month after leaving it behind for so long.
Even the fact that he's thinking about pushing forward is frightening, as if there's some merit to the idea that he could love two people. As if he could love Belph. (As if Belph would love him!) ]
... We're already suffering just being here. They're both tired. We barely survived before. Things don't need to be more complicated than they are.
[ they are already complicated - this can't last forever - he knows this, and knew it when he left, but he thought he'd have more time... ]
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[like.
duh.]
But I think you've got problems outside of just focusing on the setting. There's nothing wrong with someone's heart being big enough for two people. You can't really stop yourself from wanting.
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As if three people who happened to all be okay with that would just happen to find each other in such a ridiculous way...
[ he shakes his head. at least he seems to be retreating into a more morose state rather than getting angry. ]
... You don't know me well. I'll tell you that even wanting to be friends with them is more than I deserve, after everything I've done. This conversation is too idealistic to include me.
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anyway lili is just going to tilt her head at that.]
... I don't think this sort of thing is about what you deserve. I think it's about what you want. Even some really horrible people supposedly find love, but that's just because they pursue what their heart wants.
It's not anything all that rational, or sensible.
dana you have somehow ended up with the most food from hikage
I know that.
[ of course he knows that; he's too old to believe that love is anything other than irrational. Of all emotions, it's the least logical and the most dangerous. He's used it so many times to bring people to their highest highs before dashing them against the rocks of despair. It's why he'd tried so hard to stay away from it before. The smallest taste of that forbidden fruit would be inviting even more pain into his miserable life. It was easier to discard his humanity.
But he's tasted it now, hasn't he? Even if he hasn't said it aloud. He remembered how he loved his sister. He had acknowledged to himself that he might love Steph - though he'd shied away from it. And Belph...
(was this love? this connection he felt? if belph was a woman, wouldn't hikage call it love? does he love belph as a man, then, too...?) ]
It's not about what I want. It's about them. I mean... it's about Stephanie. [ he's still hesitant to include Belph in the conversation, apparently. ]
i've been starving thank u
[because she thinks 'about them' makes more sense to her. she thinks that's the part that's really worth hearing, and discussing. he cares about both of them, and it really seems to be torturing him, even for reasons that she can't quite understand.]
But you shouldn't assume what they want either.