psychedelica | (no subject)

[ i hate this but hikage remains blissfully ignorant..... ]

Why the hell did you do that to me?! I humiliated myself!

[ actually she totally reciprocated the kiss but that only made Hikage's confusing feelings tsunami even worse ]

[what.]

You kissed in public, why are you complaining? It was actually very sweet? You're losing me.

[IT WAS GREAT]

[ SCREAM. Somewhat literally. Hikage definitely makes a strangled yelp. ]

How do you know about that?!

You kissed in public.

[Once more, this time saying 'in public' slowly.

i n p u b l i c ]

-- That was your fault to begin with!! Were you watching or something?! You're disgusting!

[ PUNCHES HIM IN THE OTHER BOOB ]

[OW

...... ♥

and jae-ha's just laughing even as he puts his hands up to catch hikage's fist if he tries again]

It was a new type of potion that I hadn't seen at work before. It'd be a poor choice if I just left you all to your own devices without any supervision whatsoever.

Your reaction was far more unexpected than any of the others - but I still can't quite figure out what you're mad at me for. If it's the trickery and secrecy, I apologize - but I think the rewards outweighed the cost considering I don't plan on doing it again.

You can't figure it out? You tricked me, poisoned me, and made me do something I'd never have done otherwise! "Reward?" What do you think I'm going to get out of this? All you're doing is making everything more difficult! You and her...

[ he seems very earnestly enraged. part of him thinks he should just kill jae-ha now. but he'd get caught; he's not that stupid. ]

You're just making me suffer more.

[he should definitely kill jae-ha now

anyway,

Jae-ha pauses, and tilts his head. He tries to parse through Hikage's words, connecting them with their last conversation. It probably occurs to him to be on his guard, but he also doesn't see a reason why he shouldn't ask - ]

Are you... angry because you got the answer you wanted?

[because hikage's dead. because hikage cares about steph. because you don't want to believe or give hope to a future where something might be impossible.

. . . .

doesn't that sound familiar. he pauses, slowly coming to terms with the fact that he might've condemned someone to the one fate that he's personally been trying to avoid all week.]

This wasn't what I wanted. You don't know anything about what I want. You don't know anything about me at all.

[ anger comes easily to Hikage, and it's almost pleasant to feel an emotions this strongly. Ironically, Jae-ha knows him much better than Hikage thinks he does. But if he knew that, he'd only be more upset.

It hurts a lot. He didn't notice how much it hurt until Jae-ha said that. Because the answer was that Steph was warm and soft and it felt beautiful to care for her and for a scant few minutes, he felt like he was alive again, and it was all fake. None of it could be real. Ever. Not ever again. He could never be the Hikage that she wanted to kiss, because that person died a hundred years ago. ]

[it's not the first time jae-ha's seen it and he doesn't expect it to be the last - the way that people lash out when something curls a little too close to the truth. he's quiet for a few moments and he wants to disagree. hikage's let jae-ha get to know parts of him, little by little, and when he puts all the pieces together....

he breathes out and shuts his eyes]

... I think you should talk to Steph.

I'm sorry... for butting in. [even if he'd only meant to help, but he doesn't suppose that matters] I'll make it up to you - if that's what you'd like. A free favor, so long as no one gets hurt.

[it's the least that jae-ha can offer but]

... you're alive here, you know? You can be whoever you'd like. If you don't want to deal with the consequences after our time here is through, or you're afraid of who you might have been before, that's one thing -

But it's hard enough to find happiness here. If you find it, I hope you see the fortune in it.

[ unfortunately, he's not in the mood to be lectured, and especially not by Jae-ha. The fracture inside him's widening; words aren't enough to mend it. He almost forgets himself in his anger for a moment - he has to hold his tongue and remember that he's nothing but Hikage to Jae-ha, too. ]

What do you think you know about my happiness? Nothing I find here can truly... make me happy. It'll come crashing down in the end, and then I'll be alone for another century, watching every soul pass me by... I can't stand it. You don't know what it's like.

[ not knowing, not feeling, existing in an eternal void where everything moves except you. ]

Happiness like that is just a lie. Just like everything else here.

[The loneliness.

Of course it's the loneliness.

Jae-ha can't understand - he knows that - what could it possibly be like to live forever? He doesn't know if he'll make it even a few more years. But he can remember the stretches of days inside a small cell, the years that he went without knowing another soul except one. Everyone else would move on with their lives. Everyone else would get to have lives. Out in the sun, out in the world, while he'd be trapped where the only hint of the passing of time was that he'd have to wait for another sunrise before he tried to escape again.

But when he finally got out - ]

Hikage.

No one is lying to you except yourself.

[ - he couldn't let the efforts of all the people who reached out to him be insulted, or wasted.]

Don't sound so certain, you fucking idiot. You don't know. These people aren't lying to me. I'm the one that's...

[ he trails off; it's not clear if it's on purpose, if he realizes he's saying too much, or if he's distracted by something else, because his hand goes to his face and forehead, clutching as if trying to prevent something from bursting forth. ]

[ . . . and Jae-ha is quieter when he responds. He doesn't sound any less certain, but he tries to be gentle, as he watches Hikage's expression change.]

... you say that you're lying - but with them, I don't think you are.

[When he's with the people he cares about, he doesn't think that's a lie.]

... for the first twelve years of my life, I was locked up. I only saw the sky when I was trying to escape. I didn't know anyone in the village, except I knew that they hated me. I only knew one other person - and he hated me too. I was told that there wouldn't be anything out there for me in the world.

[He didn't mention this the last time they spoke - he only picked it apart into little pieces. The first time he tried to trust. But.]

It feels like everything is going to come crashing down - the first time you make another person laugh, or smile, or do the right thing, instead of having them hate you.

Is it like that?

[Are you scared of what you'll find?]

I don't give a shit about your life story.

[ Hikage spits out the words like bile. Twelve years sounds like a pathetically short amount of time to him - how can it compare to a century of isolation, knowing he's already dead, knowing he has no past and no future, either? He hadn't even been allowed to pass on. ]

It's nothing like that. Hikage isn't real. None of this has been real. [ and he doesn't know what he's saying, but he's so incensed that the words come out anyway. ] You think you're helping him, but you're only hurting me.

[ that stoic and blunt man, acting cool to hide his own timidity and tender heart - he's not real, it's all a lie, he's been acting this entire time, he's sure of it ]

[Jae-ha just manages a bit of a laugh at that - ah, figures. He listens and he's careful, trying to parse out the lies and the truth. At which point the anger starts to stain Hikage's words, where he starts to sound like he's confusing himself, and acting out of bitterness.

He wonders if Steph has seen this - and he wonders if that's the entire point.]

Have you ever stopped to think about why?

Why is it that happiness hurts you so much?

[ Jae-ha's continuing cool-headedness in the face of his anger and fear only serves to work him into a further froth. In the back of his mind, he's aware that he shouldn't be saying any of this to him - that he's putting himself in danger - but he can't stop. He's approaching the end of his rope. Will it even matter if he dies here? ]

Because it can't be real! It won't last - it can't last, because I have no future! I'm dead. All this happiness is fake.

[ even if he's happy for a moment, it will go away. he'll go back to his castle, and he will sit in his throne, alone, forever, while the world passes him by, unable to live and unable to die. ]

Nothing is meant to last forever. Even people who are alive know that.

[Jae-ha breathes out - the only sign that this conversation might be getting to him in the stutter of his breath before he shakes his head. He otherwise remains calm, because he knows that there's no point in letting himself get worked up. Devolving into yelling isn't what he does. This is easier - letting Hikage break apart in front of him, making sure that no one else sees.]

If everyone living and dead were to be afraid to feel happiness because they knew it'd be gone one day, there's no real point in living anyway.

If you're afraid to let yourself be happy because you think you'll lose it - admit it. Calling Steph and everyone else in this castle dishonest for liking you, for wanting to care about you... you're smarter than that.

[ if he just told Jae-ha that he'd have to exist for eternity with that wound, he wonders if his tune would change. Or if he told Jae-ha how many people he'd tricked and damned to an eternity of despair just for his own amusement, to further his own desires - would he still say that Hikage was smart, and that he deserved that affection? Stephanie would hate him if she knew. That's why he can't stand this. All of it is fake. It won't last if he keeps lying - it won't last if he tells the truth, either. ]

No... You're the one who isn't smart! You don't understand anything. No one cares about me. No one... I'm not someone that people should care about in the first place. They only care about Hikage. The real me is... hahah, the real me is... enough to make them hate me!

[ so he perpetuates this lie so that he can manipulate them more easily. that's all it is. ]

[This sure is a man on a breakdown - and Jae-ha's brow furrows as he watches it happen. He keeps his distance, just in case, but otherwise doesn't back down.]

... I wonder if you'll ever just admit that you're too afraid to find out the truth. Or that you want to be Hikage, and you want to accept the affection that you receive from people.

I told you that it doesn't matter who you used to be, if you can't remember anything outside of being dead - but it's about the choices that you make here. If you choose to be Hikage, there's nothing wrong with that.

If you choose to be like this -

... you'll need to make a decision. Sooner rather than later.

It's not like me to lecture someone - [god, he hates acting like he knows any better than anyone else but] - so I suppose you can take that as a sign that I care about you, even seeing you like this.

[ he really wishes Jae-ha would react. He wants him to be scared, angry, disgusted, something to prove that Hikage was right, that he'd be rejected and hated, but he doesn't even look surprised. His bluster starts to leak out of him like air from a balloon, and where he wishes he looked threatening or even monstrous, he just looks lost and scared. No matter who Hikage thinks he really is, those emotions are the real thing.

He hates this. He hates it because Jae-ha is right. He's scared of the truth, he's scared of being rejected, he's so scared of it that he'd rather die - that's how he ended up in this situation in the first place, as he'll remember in tomorrow's trial. But he's done so much wrong that he can't just pretend it didn't happen and be Hikage.

His hands shake; he doesn't respond at first. ]

S... Shut up. Just shut up... You're lying to me. Choose... I can't choose...

[ how can he, when both parts of him are real? even if he was a white butterfly once, his wings are so stained now that he may as well be a black butterfly, too. ]

[ . . . . and Jae-ha just breathes out, his expression softening at the look of fear on Hikage's face. There isn't sympathy there, not even the empathy that managed to hit him before, but just... relief. Even if Hikage isn't sure of anything else, at least there's a little part of him that's being honest. That he can't hide away.

So he just shakes his head.]

I'll make a promise - to you, of all people here in this castle, I won't lie. I have nothing to gain from it.

[He doesn't take joy in Hikage's suffering - but it doesn't feel right to let him stew in his own confusion alone either.]

You can choose. You can accept that both parts might be real. But I can't tell you what to do.

Only that I hope you find a happiness that you can accept here.

[ he doesn't believe that promise for a second; it rolls off of him like water. He can't trust people; he doesn't remember why, but he never has been able to believe in them. Innately, he believes they'll betray him. Maybe it's because he knows he's always lying, himself - but he's also certain that it's something left over from who he used to be.

Not that he can think about that right now. When he approached Jae-ha, he'd intended to yell and curse at him and scare him into submission. Instead, he's standing before him, quivering, feeling as vulnerable as if he was just stripped naked. Hikage wonders how he knows so much; maybe Jae-ha's a clairvoyant, too, and can see into what he's feeling just by being near him. The ludicrous idea of choosing burns him like the sun. If he chose, he'd have to tell someone.

(Even the fact that he's thinking that means he's already chosen; he doesn't realize it.) ]

... Are you going to kill me?

... I don't plan on killing anyone here. It's not in my nature to do as I'm told, so I'll probably die disobeying. It wouldn't be the first time that I got close to it.

[It'd only be a matter of time before something finished off the job. He wonders if that's something he should be saying to a dead man and so he admits, quieter:]

Breathing and going through the motions of someone else's plan - that doesn't sound like living to me anyway.

As for the idea of killing you in particular... I told you that I like you. I think you're afraid, confused, and scared at the idea of freedom.... but I think that's why I want to root for you, more than anything else.

[It's familiar.

It's so painfully, achingly familiar. But Jae-ha knows that not everyone in the same as him - born with a sense of defiance and spite for fate - and so perhaps that's why he encourages small acts of rebellion where he can.]

You'll regret it.

[ it's a faint defiance, all that he can muster where he is now. He doesn't believe what Jae-ha says. The two of them just don't know each other that well; somehow, Jae-ha has just managed to press all of his buttons in the most infuriating way this week. Now he's made a fatal error. He's sure that Jae-ha is more involved than he's letting on, and he's sure that letting this knowledge leak will kill him. Being a liar is enough to make someone like him a suspect.

He should shoot him now, but that would only make his own demise come faster.

Hikage doesn't say anything else; he just stands still there, like an animal frozen in fear. ]

... are you trying to threaten me into secrecy?

[He - can't help it, he sounds a little wry at the idea.]

I think you need to decide whether you want to keep living or not, but I hope you don't think you can bait me into making that decision for you. I don't plan on ending your time here early. If trying to talk to you about your problems just means that you end up wanting to kill me, that's my choice and my mistake - but I'm choosing to make it.

[Also he's a little painfully confident in his ability to stay alive. It's likely overconfidence, and it's why he has a tendency to put himself in dangerous situations for the sake of others but - that's just as written into his blood as the color of his hair.]

You're still not the ugliest soul I've ever seen.

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thanks for breaking out the crazy icon for me sib

yw dana

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